Christmas 2009

It is Christmas time again, and another year passes. The house is quiet, with the exception of Avan's 'go to sleep' music playing down the hall and the dog trying to get comfortable on the couch. My husband lies sleeping in the recliner, and everything is at a peaceful state as I sit. So much has passed these 3 years. Sometimes when I reflect back I have to hold back tears. Things are never as we plan. You never expect things to be perfect, but sometimes you wish that it could be easier. The dearest things in life are people, and I've come to realize that it costs a lot to love someone. Because when you love someone you give them your heart. And when they leave, your heart is still left behind and it falls and it breaks. But then God is there to pick up those pieces and "bind up the brokenhearted". God still holds us even if we break. He holds our pieces in His hands, and somehow manages to put us back together. The creator knows how each piece fits, and knows how to put us back. He knows when no one else can.

Our nations' lost love

"I am a wonder unto many; but thou art my strong refuge."

I heard a story about a newborn baby boy born and left in a hospital room without any form of nutrients--left there to die. Left to die alone, abandoned. Left without love. And then after the Dr. came back the next week he said, "I guess he won't die-we'll have to find a home for him." Dear God! What has this nation come to--when you can despise the created life--innocent and pure. Maybe looking at this baby brings a shame that this doctor and others cannot accept and repent of--Is this little tiny life--is it a reflection of what they have not become? (For if you do not come to God as a little child, you cannot enter into heaven.) Is it that you cannot help but see God's hand in His creation? Have we become a society where we have lost all natural love for the very child that depends upon us. I cry for them Lord. Please let my anger and tears not turn into hatred, but let me cry also for the souls of those that will face hell where the cries of children will haunt them throughout eternity. May they turn from their wicked ways. May they turn around and unmask their blinded hearts. Lord, do not forget to hear the cries of your children. When I look up at the stars I'm reminded of the Jewels that are in Heaven and my Samuel is one of them. They are safe from this cruel world-yet do not forget, and cause me not to hate, but to pray fervently for those that they will turn around so that they can see their child again in Heaven. Help me to forgive them Lord, and to love them because you love them. Help me to remember that we are all sinners and it is by your grace that I am saved. And that " whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved." (romans 10:13). God I know that I am to love them, but sometimes it is so hard, so I ask that you let me see them as you see them. Oh Lord, bless those that have lost their babies or cannot have any. When they see the innocent blood-comfort them. Put your arms around them.

2 Chronicles 7:14
"If...(they) shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin..."

Abba Father May I learn to say "your will"

As Christ prayed in Gethsemane
Let this cup pass from me, yet not my
will but thy will be done.
God give me strength to say, "YOUR will".

Your will whether days are peaceful and sunny
Your will whether nights are stormy and dark
Your will whether new life is taken or given
Your will whether sunshine will forever depart

I prayed as I've never cried out before
Dear Father, Oh God, please take this away,
But--God give me strength and grace to accept
and to pray that I do whatever your will.

But God with "your will" you will not leave me stranded.
You did not leave me alone in the dark
You gave me the most wonderful comfort,
You gave me grace from your own torn heart

AMAZING GRACE HOW SWEET!

You are a father--You know how it feels
The heartache that you must have felt.
The love that you had for a sinner like I
Yet-you died-for this was "your will".

Jesus Christ died for us! Sometimes the emotions overflow within and pour out with joyful tears! Lord thank you. And Father-thank you. Your arms envelope around me like no one else can. Your Spirit holds me up because my strength alone cannot bear the weight of it.

Everytime I read John 3:16 now it goes down deeper than before because I never quite understood a father's love until now. And God I can't imagine sending my son to die for those that are not worthy. Lord-thank you. I now have a glimpse of how much it cost you--the father of Christ Jesus. To see Him die and how much love you have for us to be able to do that.

John 3:16
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

Tears in a Bottle

"...put thou my tears into thy bottle..."

I sometimes wonder if God made tears for the times when we cannot speak. When I am incapable of pouring out to my God. Is it then Lord that my tears are brought before your thrown? During times of such heartache that my tears are somehow sweeter to you than any words that I could utter. And yet, I think that you understand those more so than anything. Sometimes it is tears that speak when you have nothing left to say or think.

I bring my tears before your thrown as a prayer. Accept them Lord when my heart aches. When I don't know even what I am asking of you. Sometimes they are tears of a broken heart. Sometimes tears of fear. Tears of shame. Tears of forgiveness. Tears of appreciation for the Grace, Love, and tender arms that hold me up. But they are also tears that I bring to you because you alone are the one that will "wipe all tears from my eyes."

MY GOD, MY FATHER, MY HELP

MY GOD, MY FATHER, MY HELP

I thank you God that I am your child
That I can come to you as my father
You have power that can move mountains
Yet give mercy that can bind my heart.

You give a comfort that can not be explained
Words of compassion; even thru the rain
You have sent down the rain of heaven
Which is pure: giving strength in the midst of storms.

You are my God…Lord help me to be worthy
To come to your throne and boldly request
Lead me and direct; give me peace in the answer
Let me not shadow or shame the blood of your precious son.

My hearts’ desires…let them be yours
Let me have compassion, mercy, faithfulness.
Those which you have so bestowed upon me
Let me never fail to remember You My God.

while the whys are left unanswered i will still praise you

Mar 5 2009

Sometimes something happens in life where I don’t know why. And I may never know. Sometimes the will of God is so vague. You question is this it? Is that it? Lord you must have a reason behind this. And He does. God doesn’t just do something so that He can watch us hurt. I know that I couldn’t answer the question as to why. And I didn’t know the will of God concerning me. What would He have me do with this? You ask yourself questions as to the reasons of such pain. Maybe God intended me to learn this. Maybe I’m going to use this experience to…..and the maybes continue. And you still can’t answer them. But. I know that God does things for a reason. I may not know them. I’m sure that I don’t. And if I can’t know the will of God, at least I can know what His will isn’t. It isn’t to blame Him. It isn’t to be bitter. It isn’t to hate or have jealousy towards others because this didn’t happen to them. It isn’t to not continue to lift Him up in praise…and (this is hard) to praise Him for ALL things.
I know that if God caused this or allowed this…which of course He did, then this was the will of God. And I didn’t want his death to be in vain. So how do I find out what I’m supposed to do with this? God never told me why, and since I don’t know, I’m going to still praise Him. I’m going to still praise Him for being God, still praise Him for taking my son to heaven, still praise Him for knowing that I WILL see him again, and still praise Him with the why’s unanswered.

PEACE IN KNOWING.

Mar. 2, 2009
I kings 18:37
It’s a story about Elijah and him calling on God to do something so that these people would know that He is God. God did answer Him, but so many times we call on God to answer in Our ways…on how We think that He should do things. Often we think to ourselves that God would have more Glory if something is done This way. And although we mean well, it is really God’s plan that Is best…no matter what we think. Often it is another way that God wants to get the glory.
I know that I often thought. “God…you could have shown yourself sooo much and shown these people what a truly awesome and powerful and miracle working God you are if you would have done it this way…not realizing that maybe it’s the Not working that sometimes brings Him the greater glory. Maybe its how I react to the situation that God has given me that is going to give him glory. Maybe…maybe…maybe. Who can know the mind of God? All I really do know is that in order to go through some things you have to know that God is in control and that there is a purpose…even if it’s something that i never find out. There is a peace in knowing that.

Joy will come in the morning

It has been two years now that I sit down and read what I wrote then…and I sit hear and cry. I am so blessed, and yet the tears and heartache come back. God has gotten me through these years, and has allowed me to feel joy again. Although joy is probably the wrong word, because that never leaves you, even in the darkest night. NO, I suppose that He has given me the strength to keep going, and has made it so that I can now think on other things. I remember those first few months…I couldn’t get my mind to think of anything else…it was always there like a cloud over my mind. Even if I tried to push the many, many thoughts of my son, my mind was a fog. I remember driving looking out the windows and I would see things, but my mind…no it was somewhere else. I suppose now that when I hear of others going through this pain…I go back to mine…and I ache for them. Lord you are the great physician…of the physical, but I think, maybe more importantly, the healer of the heart. You “bind up the broken hearted”, and when you ‘bind’ that does not mean that you erase those memories, but you “hold us in the palm of your hand”, and who could know more than you what we are going through. You know my thoughts, even more than I do. You know what I need. But oh God, I do miss him.
Sometimes the tears run down my cheeks, and I cannot bear to wipe them off. Sometimes I need to feel them there, maybe it lets me know that I still do love him and miss him. Just because I don’t cry outwardly for you everyday anymore, doesn’t mean that I don’t miss you terribly. I know that you are in good hands. And God I’m sure you did what was right. You have to believe that God is a good God, a righteous God, a God that loves you, and a God that is in control if you are to ever move past the fog.
Feb. 16th 2009.
Joy will come in the morning.

Bittersweet Blessings

It's kinda funny that my baby Avan's 1st birthday should take me on such a rollercoaster of emotions. I cried because I never got to give Samuel a 1st birthday. I just want everything to be perfect for Avan's. It's probably unfair to wish that others could understand. I cried because his "older" brother wouldn't be here. And for many other reasons. And I suppose I'll go on this rollercoaster again when it's Samuel's birthday. I never thought about how Christmastime could be such a bittersweet time for people. I never thought about before how much pain that time must cause others that do not have their loved ones. Or those whose loved ones have their "anniversary" during this happy time. Did I never notice before the sadness beneath the smiles? But yet I have to rejoice because Christmas means that Christ came to us to save us and because of that I will be able to see those loved ones again.

My Hearts Decision and Miracle

When you are in the midst of tragedy, you feel like the world is moving on without you, but you are at a standstill. You have no control. And You are asked to make decisions that no person should be asked to do and asked to make them alone while time is running out. You're given statistics. Probable outcomes. The chances. You try and reason rationally...try and think about the matter at hand and future babies' outcomes if you decide to go thru with it. When you're told that you can go ahead with an emergency surgury (that has a certain small % of success) that might leave future pregnancies at risk or go home and wait...which will probably result in the miscarriage of your baby. Even now I don't know how you're suppose to answer those. But in the end, it was my heart that made the decision. I had to ask myself...leaving all statistics, and percentages, and fearful sinereos behind, and as mother to this child that I loved so much, ask "How could I live with myself, if I didn't do all that I could do...if I didn't give him every possible chance?" I prayed that God would give a miracle, but had to prepare myself if that was not God's will for my son.

And although many would say that God didn't do a miracle (as the definition is commonly thought of), I believe that He did. The way that He worked in the surgeons hands so that they could get a breathing tube into his very small body was a miracle. When no one thought that this little life would have a chance, God let him live here for 11 very cherished days. (Days that I hold so close to my heart. Memories that I pray will always be. I would not trade all the pain for never having known my 'oh so little' one.) And although God did not show Himself outwardly and perform an awe inspiring display of the power of God, and what He is capable of doing in the life of this little life...this does not mean that He couldn't. And this does not mean that He didn't. The most miraculous event that could have occured-did. A miracle is something that God only has the power to do...and that is what He did on December 23, 2006. I have the privelege of knowing that my baby boy, my beloved son, will meet me when it is my time to go home. I never longed for heaven more than I do now. God took my little one home, and his soul lives eternally in the care of Jesus. What greater miracle is there than that.

Because He lives...I can face tomorrow

I thought that I had already learned what it was to ‘let God’. For in other areas in my life when I had given it over to God, it seemed to turn out they “way it should”. When I had come to the point of “its okay if I never marry”, He gave me a Christian husband. We were married within the year. When it came to issues of trust concerning possessions, God you always fulfilled your promise…you were faithful to keep us financially stable…and looking back now…more than I realized. But what do you do when you are requested to give God His will concerning your child. Your child not yet even given the chance to come to know your touch, face,….love.
Questions begin to engulf you and surround every intricit part of what feels like your entire existence. The bills that are due, and the house that needs cleaning, the things that seemed to constantly bombard you before…they become foolish to even contemplate. The news that your dream may be ending…the room left unfinished, without hardly even begun.
The room left untouched until….well until you can have the strength to go in and move it back…because moving it back feels like you are ‘forgetting’ what was or was to be. The actual physical act of packing things away was too much…I still even now have left tokens so that my dear baby’s room is still his…although it is not a shrine left unused…it would be even worse I fear to pack all of his things away pretending as though his little life never existed. For me as a mother…others may not be able to understand…but to pack everything up would feel like I was packing him out of my life…an outward act of an inward feeling.
And to pretend that he was not here…even for as short a time as it was….would be a tragedy. No I know that he’s not coming back...he’s with my Lord….his Lord and Saviour, held forever in His hand, but my baby will be waiting for me at heaven’s glorious gates.
Because He lives…I can face tomorrow.

(Jan 2007)

God's Strength and Our Faith

This morning I awoke at 3am (2006). I’m in 1corinthians at this point. 10:13 “There hath no temptation taken you as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able: but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.”

God is faithful.
Oh I know that I am not the only woman to go through this experience, but yet it does not make it any easier when you’re requested to do so. I only hope that I have the kind of strength and faith that my Aunt Joanne when she said during her fight with cancer, “I am blessed that God thinks me able to handle this.”

I don’t know the reasons behind God’s decisions…His will. But I have to remember that His will is all good. He does not allow anything without reasons…or allow anything without first giving us the strength to be able to take and handle what comes. We are not expected to be able to handle such things by our own strength…God gives the strength.

Nissim

Nissim

It means miracle.
My husband and I were looking through a baby name book and he spotted the name nissim meaning miracle. We were looking for a name that might mean that.
I prayed to God that I would have a miracle baby. My best friend told me a few days later
That by the time my baby came…it would be a miracle baby.
Today. I don’t even know the date…Monday I think the 10th. I haven’t felt my baby kick since yesterday. What I would give to have him kick me…I know that my faith should be in God and that you should not seek a sign from Him. But to have felt the life and movement inside you and then to not feel that feels like a void. I wish my baby would kick me all day, rather than to not know. All I want to feel is that bumping.

(DEC 2006)