When you are in the midst of tragedy, you feel like the world is moving on without you, but you are at a standstill. You have no control. And You are asked to make decisions that no person should be asked to do and asked to make them alone while time is running out. You're given statistics. Probable outcomes. The chances. You try and reason rationally...try and think about the matter at hand and future babies' outcomes if you decide to go thru with it. When you're told that you can go ahead with an emergency surgury (that has a certain small % of success) that might leave future pregnancies at risk or go home and wait...which will probably result in the miscarriage of your baby. Even now I don't know how you're suppose to answer those. But in the end, it was my heart that made the decision. I had to ask myself...leaving all statistics, and percentages, and fearful sinereos behind, and as mother to this child that I loved so much, ask "How could I live with myself, if I didn't do all that I could do...if I didn't give him every possible chance?" I prayed that God would give a miracle, but had to prepare myself if that was not God's will for my son.
And although many would say that God didn't do a miracle (as the definition is commonly thought of), I believe that He did. The way that He worked in the surgeons hands so that they could get a breathing tube into his very small body was a miracle. When no one thought that this little life would have a chance, God let him live here for 11 very cherished days. (Days that I hold so close to my heart. Memories that I pray will always be. I would not trade all the pain for never having known my 'oh so little' one.) And although God did not show Himself outwardly and perform an awe inspiring display of the power of God, and what He is capable of doing in the life of this little life...this does not mean that He couldn't. And this does not mean that He didn't. The most miraculous event that could have occured-did. A miracle is something that God only has the power to do...and that is what He did on December 23, 2006. I have the privelege of knowing that my baby boy, my beloved son, will meet me when it is my time to go home. I never longed for heaven more than I do now. God took my little one home, and his soul lives eternally in the care of Jesus. What greater miracle is there than that.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Because He lives...I can face tomorrow
I thought that I had already learned what it was to ‘let God’. For in other areas in my life when I had given it over to God, it seemed to turn out they “way it should”. When I had come to the point of “its okay if I never marry”, He gave me a Christian husband. We were married within the year. When it came to issues of trust concerning possessions, God you always fulfilled your promise…you were faithful to keep us financially stable…and looking back now…more than I realized. But what do you do when you are requested to give God His will concerning your child. Your child not yet even given the chance to come to know your touch, face,….love.
Questions begin to engulf you and surround every intricit part of what feels like your entire existence. The bills that are due, and the house that needs cleaning, the things that seemed to constantly bombard you before…they become foolish to even contemplate. The news that your dream may be ending…the room left unfinished, without hardly even begun.
The room left untouched until….well until you can have the strength to go in and move it back…because moving it back feels like you are ‘forgetting’ what was or was to be. The actual physical act of packing things away was too much…I still even now have left tokens so that my dear baby’s room is still his…although it is not a shrine left unused…it would be even worse I fear to pack all of his things away pretending as though his little life never existed. For me as a mother…others may not be able to understand…but to pack everything up would feel like I was packing him out of my life…an outward act of an inward feeling.
And to pretend that he was not here…even for as short a time as it was….would be a tragedy. No I know that he’s not coming back...he’s with my Lord….his Lord and Saviour, held forever in His hand, but my baby will be waiting for me at heaven’s glorious gates.
Because He lives…I can face tomorrow.
(Jan 2007)
Questions begin to engulf you and surround every intricit part of what feels like your entire existence. The bills that are due, and the house that needs cleaning, the things that seemed to constantly bombard you before…they become foolish to even contemplate. The news that your dream may be ending…the room left unfinished, without hardly even begun.
The room left untouched until….well until you can have the strength to go in and move it back…because moving it back feels like you are ‘forgetting’ what was or was to be. The actual physical act of packing things away was too much…I still even now have left tokens so that my dear baby’s room is still his…although it is not a shrine left unused…it would be even worse I fear to pack all of his things away pretending as though his little life never existed. For me as a mother…others may not be able to understand…but to pack everything up would feel like I was packing him out of my life…an outward act of an inward feeling.
And to pretend that he was not here…even for as short a time as it was….would be a tragedy. No I know that he’s not coming back...he’s with my Lord….his Lord and Saviour, held forever in His hand, but my baby will be waiting for me at heaven’s glorious gates.
Because He lives…I can face tomorrow.
(Jan 2007)
God's Strength and Our Faith
This morning I awoke at 3am (2006). I’m in 1corinthians at this point. 10:13 “There hath no temptation taken you as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able: but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.”
God is faithful.
Oh I know that I am not the only woman to go through this experience, but yet it does not make it any easier when you’re requested to do so. I only hope that I have the kind of strength and faith that my Aunt Joanne when she said during her fight with cancer, “I am blessed that God thinks me able to handle this.”
I don’t know the reasons behind God’s decisions…His will. But I have to remember that His will is all good. He does not allow anything without reasons…or allow anything without first giving us the strength to be able to take and handle what comes. We are not expected to be able to handle such things by our own strength…God gives the strength.
God is faithful.
Oh I know that I am not the only woman to go through this experience, but yet it does not make it any easier when you’re requested to do so. I only hope that I have the kind of strength and faith that my Aunt Joanne when she said during her fight with cancer, “I am blessed that God thinks me able to handle this.”
I don’t know the reasons behind God’s decisions…His will. But I have to remember that His will is all good. He does not allow anything without reasons…or allow anything without first giving us the strength to be able to take and handle what comes. We are not expected to be able to handle such things by our own strength…God gives the strength.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Nissim
Nissim
It means miracle.
My husband and I were looking through a baby name book and he spotted the name nissim meaning miracle. We were looking for a name that might mean that.
I prayed to God that I would have a miracle baby. My best friend told me a few days later
That by the time my baby came…it would be a miracle baby.
Today. I don’t even know the date…Monday I think the 10th. I haven’t felt my baby kick since yesterday. What I would give to have him kick me…I know that my faith should be in God and that you should not seek a sign from Him. But to have felt the life and movement inside you and then to not feel that feels like a void. I wish my baby would kick me all day, rather than to not know. All I want to feel is that bumping.
(DEC 2006)
It means miracle.
My husband and I were looking through a baby name book and he spotted the name nissim meaning miracle. We were looking for a name that might mean that.
I prayed to God that I would have a miracle baby. My best friend told me a few days later
That by the time my baby came…it would be a miracle baby.
Today. I don’t even know the date…Monday I think the 10th. I haven’t felt my baby kick since yesterday. What I would give to have him kick me…I know that my faith should be in God and that you should not seek a sign from Him. But to have felt the life and movement inside you and then to not feel that feels like a void. I wish my baby would kick me all day, rather than to not know. All I want to feel is that bumping.
(DEC 2006)
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