Because He lives...I can face tomorrow

I thought that I had already learned what it was to ‘let God’. For in other areas in my life when I had given it over to God, it seemed to turn out they “way it should”. When I had come to the point of “its okay if I never marry”, He gave me a Christian husband. We were married within the year. When it came to issues of trust concerning possessions, God you always fulfilled your promise…you were faithful to keep us financially stable…and looking back now…more than I realized. But what do you do when you are requested to give God His will concerning your child. Your child not yet even given the chance to come to know your touch, face,….love.
Questions begin to engulf you and surround every intricit part of what feels like your entire existence. The bills that are due, and the house that needs cleaning, the things that seemed to constantly bombard you before…they become foolish to even contemplate. The news that your dream may be ending…the room left unfinished, without hardly even begun.
The room left untouched until….well until you can have the strength to go in and move it back…because moving it back feels like you are ‘forgetting’ what was or was to be. The actual physical act of packing things away was too much…I still even now have left tokens so that my dear baby’s room is still his…although it is not a shrine left unused…it would be even worse I fear to pack all of his things away pretending as though his little life never existed. For me as a mother…others may not be able to understand…but to pack everything up would feel like I was packing him out of my life…an outward act of an inward feeling.
And to pretend that he was not here…even for as short a time as it was….would be a tragedy. No I know that he’s not coming back...he’s with my Lord….his Lord and Saviour, held forever in His hand, but my baby will be waiting for me at heaven’s glorious gates.
Because He lives…I can face tomorrow.

(Jan 2007)