So its been kind of a hard week for me. Samuel was taken to heaven 5 years ago tonight. I miss him and think of him everyday, but when Christmas comes around I am reminded of how we will never help him celebrate his birthdays, or fill his stocking. So I did cry about every day for a few minutes. But you know...God is good. I can't help but see the beautiful boys that he has surrounded me with. He pours out blessings that we can't even measure. I never got to build some of the wonderful memories with him that I have with Avan, Oliver, and Caleb. Those eleven days that he was with us are very "hard" memories. One of the hardest that I pray I will ever have to endure. God allowed us to meet that litlte guy and to hold him as he went home. One of the most special memories I have is when we said goodbye to him. I felt the presence of angels in that room. And during the ups and downs of getting thru those days, God was never closer than then. I still and always will love him. He has a place in our hearts that will always be. So with remembering him I also cannot help but be reminded of the faithfulness of God and His promise to comfort. When we can't feel ourselves, we are able to feel God. With remembering Samuel, I also am reminded of how fragile life is. I am so thankful every day when I see our other 3 blessings smiling, happy, healthy, and here...to cherish them.

Psalm 86: 15-17

But thou, O Lord, art a God full of compassion, and gracious, long-suffering, and plenteous in mercy and truth. O turn unto me, and have mercy upon me; give thy strength unto thy servant, and save the son of thine handmaid. Show me a token for good; that they which hate me may see it, and be ashamed; because thou, Lord, hast helped me, and comforted me.

"If you ask for bread the Father will not give you a stone"

So I watched the show "Columbine" this afternoon while Oliver slept on my lap. It was only 45 min...but it made me cry. It was Rachel's dad talking about her and the shooting. I am pretty sure that I have seen it before, but I watched it again. There was a part in there about him talking about how sometimes you ask God for things, but the way He answers is not always how we would want him to. He mentioned the part where Jesus was talking and said, "Ask and you shall receive...If you ask of my Father bread, He will not give you a stone." I always wondered about this scripture some. I mean just b/c you ask God for bread doesn't mean you will get that. So I listened on to see what he had to say. And He explained it pretty good. No...God does not always answer how we want, but Jesus emphasized that the Father would not give us a stone. And many times in life we see God's answer and we think "why are you giving me a stone God?" BUT--Jesus said that He would not do that--it is us looking at what we have been given as a stone. We need to learn to look thru what we have been given and focus on what He wants us to do with what we were given...not to just zone in on what it is and end there. So...basically...we don't always get the bread that we wanted, but we aren't going to get a stone either...it may look like a stone...but it isn't...and it may not be what we want..but it is what God thinks we need--and if we are willing to step back and look at what we have been given and instead focus on how God would have us use it, after awhile you may come to realize that it is in fact not the stone that you thought it was.

tears are a good reminder to love.

How do you stop a heart from hurting? Why do past events seemingly overwhelm the present? At times I just can't keep from crying. And I have to remind myself of my blessings--I feel guilty that I am crying with all the blessings that I have, while there are many around me that have had so much more pain in their life. I have two healthy boys laying sound asleep--innocent, without pain or worry. But its okay to be sad sometimes. And after I am done crying, I look at those two little boys that call me momma. But sometimes I worry that I just can't hold unto them enough...so I have to entrust them to you Father. And I beg you that I will be able to hold unto them for a long, long time. Sometimes I look at our family and wonder what it would be like to have him here with us. When I am driving I sometimes catch myself looking at the backseat thinking that there should be another car seat there. What he would have looked like had he not left us so quickly. What kind of big brother he would be to Avan and Oliver. I still miss him. I still cry for him. But tears can be a good thing...they are a reminder to me to show love to my boys every chance I get, and it softens my heart to others sorrows...they slow me down and cause me to focus on the important things of life. And although I will never have a chance here on earth to show my sammy how much I loved him, I do have a chance with Avan and Oliver to be their mommy and to really truly love them.