MY GOD, MY FATHER, MY HELP

MY GOD, MY FATHER, MY HELP

I thank you God that I am your child
That I can come to you as my father
You have power that can move mountains
Yet give mercy that can bind my heart.

You give a comfort that can not be explained
Words of compassion; even thru the rain
You have sent down the rain of heaven
Which is pure: giving strength in the midst of storms.

You are my God…Lord help me to be worthy
To come to your throne and boldly request
Lead me and direct; give me peace in the answer
Let me not shadow or shame the blood of your precious son.

My hearts’ desires…let them be yours
Let me have compassion, mercy, faithfulness.
Those which you have so bestowed upon me
Let me never fail to remember You My God.

while the whys are left unanswered i will still praise you

Mar 5 2009

Sometimes something happens in life where I don’t know why. And I may never know. Sometimes the will of God is so vague. You question is this it? Is that it? Lord you must have a reason behind this. And He does. God doesn’t just do something so that He can watch us hurt. I know that I couldn’t answer the question as to why. And I didn’t know the will of God concerning me. What would He have me do with this? You ask yourself questions as to the reasons of such pain. Maybe God intended me to learn this. Maybe I’m going to use this experience to…..and the maybes continue. And you still can’t answer them. But. I know that God does things for a reason. I may not know them. I’m sure that I don’t. And if I can’t know the will of God, at least I can know what His will isn’t. It isn’t to blame Him. It isn’t to be bitter. It isn’t to hate or have jealousy towards others because this didn’t happen to them. It isn’t to not continue to lift Him up in praise…and (this is hard) to praise Him for ALL things.
I know that if God caused this or allowed this…which of course He did, then this was the will of God. And I didn’t want his death to be in vain. So how do I find out what I’m supposed to do with this? God never told me why, and since I don’t know, I’m going to still praise Him. I’m going to still praise Him for being God, still praise Him for taking my son to heaven, still praise Him for knowing that I WILL see him again, and still praise Him with the why’s unanswered.

PEACE IN KNOWING.

Mar. 2, 2009
I kings 18:37
It’s a story about Elijah and him calling on God to do something so that these people would know that He is God. God did answer Him, but so many times we call on God to answer in Our ways…on how We think that He should do things. Often we think to ourselves that God would have more Glory if something is done This way. And although we mean well, it is really God’s plan that Is best…no matter what we think. Often it is another way that God wants to get the glory.
I know that I often thought. “God…you could have shown yourself sooo much and shown these people what a truly awesome and powerful and miracle working God you are if you would have done it this way…not realizing that maybe it’s the Not working that sometimes brings Him the greater glory. Maybe its how I react to the situation that God has given me that is going to give him glory. Maybe…maybe…maybe. Who can know the mind of God? All I really do know is that in order to go through some things you have to know that God is in control and that there is a purpose…even if it’s something that i never find out. There is a peace in knowing that.

Joy will come in the morning

It has been two years now that I sit down and read what I wrote then…and I sit hear and cry. I am so blessed, and yet the tears and heartache come back. God has gotten me through these years, and has allowed me to feel joy again. Although joy is probably the wrong word, because that never leaves you, even in the darkest night. NO, I suppose that He has given me the strength to keep going, and has made it so that I can now think on other things. I remember those first few months…I couldn’t get my mind to think of anything else…it was always there like a cloud over my mind. Even if I tried to push the many, many thoughts of my son, my mind was a fog. I remember driving looking out the windows and I would see things, but my mind…no it was somewhere else. I suppose now that when I hear of others going through this pain…I go back to mine…and I ache for them. Lord you are the great physician…of the physical, but I think, maybe more importantly, the healer of the heart. You “bind up the broken hearted”, and when you ‘bind’ that does not mean that you erase those memories, but you “hold us in the palm of your hand”, and who could know more than you what we are going through. You know my thoughts, even more than I do. You know what I need. But oh God, I do miss him.
Sometimes the tears run down my cheeks, and I cannot bear to wipe them off. Sometimes I need to feel them there, maybe it lets me know that I still do love him and miss him. Just because I don’t cry outwardly for you everyday anymore, doesn’t mean that I don’t miss you terribly. I know that you are in good hands. And God I’m sure you did what was right. You have to believe that God is a good God, a righteous God, a God that loves you, and a God that is in control if you are to ever move past the fog.
Feb. 16th 2009.
Joy will come in the morning.

Bittersweet Blessings

It's kinda funny that my baby Avan's 1st birthday should take me on such a rollercoaster of emotions. I cried because I never got to give Samuel a 1st birthday. I just want everything to be perfect for Avan's. It's probably unfair to wish that others could understand. I cried because his "older" brother wouldn't be here. And for many other reasons. And I suppose I'll go on this rollercoaster again when it's Samuel's birthday. I never thought about how Christmastime could be such a bittersweet time for people. I never thought about before how much pain that time must cause others that do not have their loved ones. Or those whose loved ones have their "anniversary" during this happy time. Did I never notice before the sadness beneath the smiles? But yet I have to rejoice because Christmas means that Christ came to us to save us and because of that I will be able to see those loved ones again.