Joy will come in the morning

It has been two years now that I sit down and read what I wrote then…and I sit hear and cry. I am so blessed, and yet the tears and heartache come back. God has gotten me through these years, and has allowed me to feel joy again. Although joy is probably the wrong word, because that never leaves you, even in the darkest night. NO, I suppose that He has given me the strength to keep going, and has made it so that I can now think on other things. I remember those first few months…I couldn’t get my mind to think of anything else…it was always there like a cloud over my mind. Even if I tried to push the many, many thoughts of my son, my mind was a fog. I remember driving looking out the windows and I would see things, but my mind…no it was somewhere else. I suppose now that when I hear of others going through this pain…I go back to mine…and I ache for them. Lord you are the great physician…of the physical, but I think, maybe more importantly, the healer of the heart. You “bind up the broken hearted”, and when you ‘bind’ that does not mean that you erase those memories, but you “hold us in the palm of your hand”, and who could know more than you what we are going through. You know my thoughts, even more than I do. You know what I need. But oh God, I do miss him.
Sometimes the tears run down my cheeks, and I cannot bear to wipe them off. Sometimes I need to feel them there, maybe it lets me know that I still do love him and miss him. Just because I don’t cry outwardly for you everyday anymore, doesn’t mean that I don’t miss you terribly. I know that you are in good hands. And God I’m sure you did what was right. You have to believe that God is a good God, a righteous God, a God that loves you, and a God that is in control if you are to ever move past the fog.
Feb. 16th 2009.
Joy will come in the morning.