To allow pain shows His great love

II Corinthians 12:8-10

For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

Maybe I am just a little behind and others have had this thought before...but did you ever just sit and actually Thank God for your struggles? I mean not just say...God give me strength to get thru this...or Okay God whatever your will I will be content with, but actually thank Him for them. And not that I am out looking for pain and suffering...because what human being would actually do that, but after going thru some things I am able to look back and see the hand of God in the trials and realize that thru those times , although very painful (and at the time I DID NOT want to be going thru them.), it was those times that caused me to grow and draw closer to God. It was those times that "he carried me". We may want to struggle and keep ourselves afloat when the storms of life are raging--and when we focus on ourselves and what WE can do to save ourselves from the painful experience or we are frantically looking and relying on ourselves to save us, we have taken our eyes off of the only one that really can. Let us keep our eyes on Christ. There is a sweet peace in knowing that whatever we go thru in this life we have a God that knows, and cares, and loves us, and although we cannot see the reasons...He is in control. God actually loves us when he allows us to go thru trials, for only thru these are we able to see just how much he holds us. We can hear about God's grace thru tribulation, but until you actually experience it, I don't know if you really understand the true depths of it. I may be wrong, and it may just be my own experience, but during times of trial when you have no control and you feel yourself sinking into sorrow, one of the most awesome experiences is to feel those hands pulling you back up and putting His arms around you...Amazing Grace. So no I am not one that goes and seeks pain and I don't want it and I don't pray for pain, but looking back I can now thank God for it. Do I wish for "bad" things to happen...no...but I do pray that God will continue to give me grace to fall on him. I pray that with each trial that it draws me closer to God and that it does not harden me. Lord, keep my heart tender. And if it gets broken let me allow you to heal it.

I Thessalonians 5:18

In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

Psalm 139

I was reading this psalm the other night, and have always read it with my children in mind. But this night as I was reading the psalm...it "hit" me all of a sudden how much God loves me. I read it again actually envisioning how God was not only the creator of my children, but also the protector of me when I was being created. How he put his loving, and protecting hands around me because I have a purpose. Each and every one of us has a purpose in this life--whether we are here for only the shortest moment or here for a "lifetime". Either way we will have an impact on those that surround us. Some will be with us for a while...some for a short while--but may we learn to treasure each moment we have--we never know just how quick a life can be gone. Some of the lessons that my little Samuel has taught me in his little time he was with us will be the greatest ones that I will ever have learned. Always remember that you are a treasure to God. He is your creator and he loves you.

"...For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mothers womb. I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them. How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand; when I am awake, I am still with thee..."

Be strong for me until I can be again.

As many of you that read this may know I am currently expecting our 3rd child. Already I had a tense 'spell'...but nothing "out of the ordinary"--at least for me. I had some bleeding earlier with this one too, as I had with the previous two. And was diagnosed with another blood clot. Thankfully, as an answer to prayer, the blood clot had disappeared by my second ultrasound (and as you can imagine I cried tears of joy). It was at that moment after sitting in the car with tears streaming down my face that I finally allowed myself to be excited for this new baby. It is often hard to let yourself love when you fear that you will lose. I can't thank everyone enough for all their prayers...I am sure that it can be tiring at times hearing about all of my pregnancy 'scares' that are probably just normal everyday pregnancy issues...but I still thank you for praying because to me it is still scary, and I still fear sometimes (even though I should be strong and should say "oh God is in control"...well...sometimes I just can't take the stress anymore and I can't be strong...and that is why it is good to have others there for you so that you don't have to be for awhile and can lean on someone else and they can be the strong one until you can get yourself back together and say..."okay....God is in control".)...so I say thank you.

And as the old DC Talk song says "LEAN ON ME"

" lean on me, when you're not strong

And I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on

For it won't be long 'til

I'm gonna need somebody to lean on

Sometimes in our lives

We all have pain, we all have sorrows

But, if we are wise

We know that there's always tomorrow

You just call on your brother when you need a hand

We all need somebody to lean on

I just might have some problems that you'd understand

We all need somebody to lean on "

The cost of loving

It hurts to love people. You leave your heart in the open vulnerable. When they hurt-you hurt. And when they leave-your heart breaks. So why do we give our heart and love away? Well...God commands it "Love one another". And because a life without love is bitter, hard, and lonely: it does not compare to the life of one who risks their heart for the pain of loving--this kind of pain allows God to hold us in His arms when our heart is breaking. The life of one who loves is joyful even thru sorrow. The tears are wiped away again and again by a father's hand. You can be held when you are not hardened. It is a constant prayer that I will continue to love others and my heart will not harden...that God would keep it sensitive. Our life is short-Let us truly love others even though it costs us a few tears.

Looking thru the photo book

I was going thru a couple of my Samuel's photo books. Of course they are very small albums, but so glad that I have the pictures that I do. I came across these note cards that I have stuck in the albums between pictures. They are note cards with verses written on them that my mom had written and gave to me during my time in the hospital. And as I read them they are still a comfort to me because of two reasons: the comfort, strength, truth, and love of God , and the love poured out with searching the Word of God for the encouragement that I might need--an act of "I care about you".

My "Thank Heaven for Little Boys" album begins with the verse:
Psalm 139:14 "I will praise thee; For I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Marvelous are thy works and that my soul knoweth right well." (Placed in front of his ultrasound pictures.) It truly is a miracle the gift of life and the intricate details that you can see in these pictures. Five little fingers perfectly formed, and five little toes that are 'wonderfully' made.

Mark 10:14-15 "Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God. Verily I say unto you, whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, he shall not enter therein." Pictures of Samuel in his nicu bed with wires, tubes, bandages, and so many things that make him look so frail and helpless. Children are so dependent upon their parents. They believe and put their trust in us so willingly. Maybe this is what God wants from us--make Him our heavenly father and put our trust in Him "as a little child".

Ecclesiastes 3:1-2 "In everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under the heaven. A time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted." I am so thankful for the pictures I have of us holding him while we said goodbye. I can't thank God enough for letting me hold my baby before we let him go. There is just something about holding your child. Yes there is a season for everything. And yes there is a purpose for everything under heaven. And yes there will also be a season when we get to see him again.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
"Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift his fellow, but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him." What a wonderful thing to have your spouse and family beside you while you hold your "heavenly" child. Samuel was gone in spirit, but we were allowed to hold him afterwards. We must have been in there for hours holding him, and yet the time flew by because I didn't want it to be over. Leaving the hospital carrying his things and knowing that we weren't coming back was a strange empty feeling. The memory and feeling of holding his things in the waiting room while the car was being driven up is something I probably will never forget. I am so glad that I could go back home and be surrounded by my loved ones. God knows that we need each others love. Even if we don't know what to say--just being there is enough.

GREAT IS THY FAITHFULNESS

"Great is thy faithfulness," O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with thee:
Thou changest not, thy compassions, they fail not:
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.

"Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!"
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided-
"Great is Thy faithfulness"
Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter, and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon, and stars in their courses above,
Join with all nature in manifold witness,
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love,

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings, all mine, with ten thousand beside!

"Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!"
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided-
"Great is Thy faithfulness,"
Lord, unto me!"

Thomas o. Chisholm and William m. Runyan