WORN

I think everyone probably gets "worn", even tho life is a wonderful thing, and blessings abound (I think you can be thankful, but worn at the same time)....do we not all get worn...well tell me I am not the only one?

 some days (weeks, months, years?)  just seem harder.... I know that it has felt this way for me at times...you just get worn out whether its from the everyday day -in-day-out struggles (the dishes need doing again, the boys are screaming...even tho I thought we had that issue "fixed" last week, the garage door is not opening, the stress of feeling the inadequecy and feeling like a total hypocrite while trying to teach your children character in their life when you yourself have trouble with the same issues.. I mean have I myself mastered "be quick to forgive"....um...humbling?
 TO the  struggles you only pray you have to bear once in this life (these times where we find it hard to see the "all things work together for good") ...it wears you down...and God knows, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28 God gives people in this life to help lighten that burden, but ultimately the only one that can give us that complete rest is Him. He is with us always...because those people that he gives us...they aren't always going to be with us...they might move, they might die, they might hurt us.....anyway.....I needed this song today, so maybe someone else does.....          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgDqj-kIL8s

God whats your plan for me? What is your will for ME? "For I know the plans I have for YOU..." Wow...right? when we think about how we are created..how I was created... and God has a will for us..for me. This last month I have to admit that I kind of got in a bit of a down state. I have these desires in my heart...and although they are not bad, I have been having to struggle with the fact that maybe altho not bad, maybe they aren't what God has for me. And so my prayer has been to have God give me strength to overcome these. To pray...and be sincere in my prayer that I would put God's will above what my own personal desires are. And I am not the best at letting God have his way...its scary. I have to admit that I do have trust issues there. But why? Why do I lack the trust in God to have his perfect will for me. I guess because I am scared that He is going to say "no" to me? That I am scared that I will not get what I want...altho lets face it God's will is ultimately better...but nope...I still get scared and kick against it. So its emotional to go thru these times of saying, Okay God! I trust ya!

And ya know what. He never fails. I went thru my week of being sad about what God would ultimately tell me. But that isn't really giving him your will is it...if you go around and sulk about it...so I decided to just be happy about whatever God decided. And He brought these verses to me...

I Corinthians 7:17. 

 "But as God hath distributed to every man, as the Lord hath called every one, so let him walk...Is any man called being circumcised? let him not become circumcised. Is any called in uncircumcision? let him not be circumcised. Circumcision is nothing, and uncircumcision is nothing, but the keeping of the commandments of God. Let every man abide in the same calling wherein he was called...Brethren, let every man , wherein he is called, therein abide with God."

And no I am not no scholar on the Bible...and maybe this is supposed to be for a different context since it is in with all the marriage stuff and church stuff...but I also think that God's Word is not limited and can speak to us at anytime. Here I was thinking about these desires in my heart that are good desires and comparing my life to what others have concerning God's will for their life.... so maybe, altho what I desire is in and of itself something "good",  it isn't what God has planned for me... Its hard, esp when you know that what you desire is not something that is wrong...but if I don't put God's will forefront, it is...no matter how good it is. "But God...its a good thing?" "yes..but its not MY will...for you" 

And so...maybe one day God will say, "okay!"...but until then, and if never that happens, than I have to remind myself...probably over and over again just cause I am like that....that God loves me and has a special purpose just for me! And look at how many blessings upon blessings He has for me...and here I was sulking! :/ Great is thy faithfulness O God to me. 

Have I mentioned before that not a day goes by...that I don't think of him. He is always there. Just as real as the rest of my children...how the thoughts of your children are always present with you even when you are apart. My mind will drift to you...and sometimes I will let my mind stop and think of you more in that moment than the many other times that you come to mind. And sometimes I will smile, and sometimes a tear will fall. But most of the time I cannot stay in that moment long, but even tho they are not long moments, they are many...so many thru the day that I really could not put a number on them.

For some reason this week has had more tears than smiles. I miss you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBHEJtqKjkk

I asked you Lord

You answerd

A little one you gave, 

The hardest part I never knew

Was that little one 

You'd take...

Lord I trust you now

I know that you are good

And Jesus, I was wondering 

If you would...

Hug him once for me

Hold him up real close

Let him sit upon your knee

Tell him all the things 

We'd teach him about You

Whisper in his ear

One more simple truth

Tell him that You love him

And that we love him too. 

Waiting here right now Lord

It seems so hard to do

Longing just to hold him

Like other mothers do

I know that you are faithful

Your hand of grace I've known

But I ask you in the meantime

Until you call me home...

Hug him once for me

Hold him up real close

Let him sit upon your knee

Tell him all the things 

We'd teach him about You

Whisper in his ear

One more simple truth

Tell him that You love him

And that we love him too. 

And when the trumpet sounds Lord, 

Your face I long to see

Now I've one more reason

To wait expectantly

And when I get to heaven 

And see all you have done

I know that I will understand

And to him I will run...

I'll hug him once for me

I'll hold him up real close

He'll sit upon me knee

And tell me all the things

You've taught him about You

He'll whisper in my ear

One more simple truth

He'll tell me that he loves You

And that he loves me too

He'll tell me that he loves You

And Lord I love you too...

So its been kind of a hard week for me. Samuel was taken to heaven 5 years ago tonight. I miss him and think of him everyday, but when Christmas comes around I am reminded of how we will never help him celebrate his birthdays, or fill his stocking. So I did cry about every day for a few minutes. But you know...God is good. I can't help but see the beautiful boys that he has surrounded me with. He pours out blessings that we can't even measure. I never got to build some of the wonderful memories with him that I have with Avan, Oliver, and Caleb. Those eleven days that he was with us are very "hard" memories. One of the hardest that I pray I will ever have to endure. God allowed us to meet that litlte guy and to hold him as he went home. One of the most special memories I have is when we said goodbye to him. I felt the presence of angels in that room. And during the ups and downs of getting thru those days, God was never closer than then. I still and always will love him. He has a place in our hearts that will always be. So with remembering him I also cannot help but be reminded of the faithfulness of God and His promise to comfort. When we can't feel ourselves, we are able to feel God. With remembering Samuel, I also am reminded of how fragile life is. I am so thankful every day when I see our other 3 blessings smiling, happy, healthy, and here...to cherish them.

Psalm 86: 15-17

But thou, O Lord, art a God full of compassion, and gracious, long-suffering, and plenteous in mercy and truth. O turn unto me, and have mercy upon me; give thy strength unto thy servant, and save the son of thine handmaid. Show me a token for good; that they which hate me may see it, and be ashamed; because thou, Lord, hast helped me, and comforted me.

"If you ask for bread the Father will not give you a stone"

So I watched the show "Columbine" this afternoon while Oliver slept on my lap. It was only 45 min...but it made me cry. It was Rachel's dad talking about her and the shooting. I am pretty sure that I have seen it before, but I watched it again. There was a part in there about him talking about how sometimes you ask God for things, but the way He answers is not always how we would want him to. He mentioned the part where Jesus was talking and said, "Ask and you shall receive...If you ask of my Father bread, He will not give you a stone." I always wondered about this scripture some. I mean just b/c you ask God for bread doesn't mean you will get that. So I listened on to see what he had to say. And He explained it pretty good. No...God does not always answer how we want, but Jesus emphasized that the Father would not give us a stone. And many times in life we see God's answer and we think "why are you giving me a stone God?" BUT--Jesus said that He would not do that--it is us looking at what we have been given as a stone. We need to learn to look thru what we have been given and focus on what He wants us to do with what we were given...not to just zone in on what it is and end there. So...basically...we don't always get the bread that we wanted, but we aren't going to get a stone either...it may look like a stone...but it isn't...and it may not be what we want..but it is what God thinks we need--and if we are willing to step back and look at what we have been given and instead focus on how God would have us use it, after awhile you may come to realize that it is in fact not the stone that you thought it was.